you strum the strings of my imagination.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Twits dinner. Irrefutably fabulous. (:

I'm really glad that all of us met up today. Except for Emmo. :/ Andrea and Cart really played an extremely significant role in my elation today. I just wish wish WISH they never have to leave Singapore again. I'm gonna miss them so much once they do again. Plus they're having so much fun over at Melbourne that I'd just wanna go over with them when they leave. Ohwell.

Dinner was good. In terms of food, we ate at Glasshouse Fish and Co. I was in Calamari Heaven. Haha. loveeee sotongs. (: The Company was even better. Almost impeccable, in fact. If only Emily was around, and if Nat had arrived earlier. Twits would be completed. Photos would be uploaded soon I hope. Most probably found in Rach's and Cart's blog, or perhaps when I receive some of the pictures myself. Being with the twits made me realise the despondency that imbued me for the past few days is overwrought and superfluous, and that I should just get out of that estrangling abyss and revel in the mirth of Twits especially because Andrea and Cart are back. I really enjoyed myself tonight, thanks to every single one of you. Twits, as well as Lianghui and Matt and all those we met along the way. I missed these Twits outing. Very much. (:

Andrea, Cart, Cheryl, Doreen, Emily, Joyce, Nat, Rachel, Wanyi.
All of you are simply irreplaceable. (:

11:37 PM

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I'm gonna relinquish away for awhile.

I'm disregarding my responsibilities, promises and everything else. At least for the time being. I'm sorry that I'd be abandoning everything for awhile, I'm sorry if I won't be there anymore if anyone ever needed me in the first place. This holiday had too many ups and downs for me to speculate through every single one of them. I've lost my rationality, sagacity, or perhaps just myself.

I wake up to a world of asphyxiating paradoxes and sleep with it twirling round my neck like a vice. Altruism I've given, and response I've received zilch. There's not even the need to mention appreciation, it's way too far-fetch'd. Please do understand that my forbearance has its limitations. I'm exhausted and on the verge of breaking down. I'm gasping for air, but despondency just envelopes me in, and I can't get out. I seek articulation to reveal, but there's no one there. Everyone's just caught up in their own lives. Everyone's gone. And now it's my turn to leave.

I've tolerated all that I could, seeking the best for those I love, praying happiness is what each of you would find in your lives. I've given every ounce of my essence left, and I'm sorry if it's still not sufficient. I'm already depleted. :/ It's times like these that I wished I hadn't promised my mother that I would never go through another predicament of overdosage.

Take care y'all. Especially Dawn, Jen, Chang, Tricia, Rach and Wanyi.

11:53 PM

Monday, June 27, 2005

I was just talking to Cheryl today when she made me realise that decisions we make in life may not exactly be the best ones, or perhaps we even make foolish ones that we'll gradually learn to regret, but ultimately, I guess we just got to learn how to make the best of what we have whether it's through agonizing misery with our every bit of suppression.

And I honestly wonder if the day will come whereby happiness need not be traded nor be at the expense of another's misery. But I guess in every miserable situation we're sucked into, sooner or later, we'll still come out of it regardless of how deeply obscure the abyss of desolation may seem to be as of its current moment. Afterall, most emotions do not linger on forever. Everything fades. Gradually with time. And with every predicament one encounters, there is always something good waiting to be received at the back of it all. Afterall, God is fair. It's just a matter of time if we'd realise the goodness of it all.

"Nothing lasts forever". Wanqi etched that into my mind 3 years ago. I guess somewhat, I have to agree that it's rather true despite how much I refuted that statement back then. And I ponder about perpetual happiness. A rare gift, yet I want to bestow it to all those that I love. Perhaps there might be intermittent rainfalls here and then, leaving us forlorn and caught into a web of despondency, but somehow I still believe that happiness is always there. It was never beyond our reach. It's just a matter of whether we'd liberate ourselves from the shackles of despair and wipe away that dark cloud that obscures the light we're supposed to see in every situation.

If you let yourself relinquish into despondency, you'll be missing out on every ounce of euphoria that you are capable of weaving out of your life. It's you who decides how to live your life ultimately, no?

10:20 PM

It hurts me to know of the agony you're going through within,
but yet you don't turn to me anymore.
My love has never wavered from the start,
and the statement "anything for you" still stands.
I care a lot for you, and I hope you know that.

2:54 AM

Just hung up on the phone with you. And I'm really glad you called, albeit I had just managed to fall asleep when you did. Haha. I couldn't think of any better way for me to end my day as of this current phase of my life. This phase that I hope will last for a long time to come. There was never once where I hear your voice, and not smile to myself. I can sound like the dopiest loser on earth just to make you smile, completely disregarding my image just for you. Because it's nothing in comparison to the special kind of bliss you have weaved for me in my life. And I thank you, very very much. (:

12:44 AM

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Sometimes I really wish you could be there for me like you used to.
Actually, it's more than sometimes, it's often. Very often.
I just want to talk to you, I want you to listen. I want you to know what's happening in my life, how I feel regarding all my predicaments, I want to be knowledgeable about your opinions.
But time for me just seems too unfeasible.
You're too busy. Always too busy.
To even call, or drop me a msg.
I wonder how often I've even came across your mind.
Does it have space for me?
Where were you when darkness clouded my eyes, when depression is all that got to me, when I spend the nights crying to sleep?
Then again, where was I when you needed someone? Or perhaps you don't even need me anymore.

Cheryl's been really awesome despite all our infantile disputes. She has always been there. Albeit sometimes she talks too much when she's supposed to be listening instead. But anyhow, at least she's there. And now, she's the one who is able to sense that I've not been well, and not you. No longer you. It kinda hurts, honestly.

I miss your hugs that always comforts me.
I miss your laughter that makes me smile even when I'm crying.
I miss our never-ending conversations.
I miss how comfortable I felt in telling you my imbroglios.
I miss the times when it felt like we were all we ever needed.

I need all of them now, and you're not here.
I don't feel your presence nor your love anymore.

7:54 PM

Look at the time, and I am HOME with just a sheer dollar in my wallet cause I bought a teeshirt from Topman (again).

Went to watch Initial D with Dawn, Jen and Chang today. Dawn Jen conned their mom into believing they went for tuition instead. Naughty girls, but I'm glad that they did anyway. (: Went after tuition which started at 830am this morning. I actually woke up at 7am in the morning for it. Assiduous yea? Haha. It's a once in a lifetime thing for Belle. Wanjun and I were like one of their very first customers. Everyone was having breakfast there and I was the only one mugging. ha.

Well, Dawn Jen left after they met Green and Mervyn. Afterwhich.. well, I genuinely have to thank Cheryl for being so tolerant with my agitated self and attempting to get back my rationality. Thanks Chang, I'm so glad you were the one who was with me. (: Andrea came to meet us for awhile at Scotts and we were too engrossed in our conversations that I totally neglected my work. It was worth it, anyhow. I just wish Andrea would never have to go back, although she's like missing Melbourne already (sucker). Haha okay I'm just being selfish. :/

After Andrea left, I was back to my pissy self. Yes, pity Cheryl. :/ Came home earlier today cause I had really no mood to stay out plus I'm kinda tired. Sigh. I couldnt believe the extent of my agitation when I actually kinda raised my voice at a Filipino couple (No offence, Sem) who were playing at the control station and thus preventing me from entering. And I was kinda cursing the Filipino maids a little too loudly when Cheryl reminded me it's a Sunday today and we were the minority. Shit. :/

Ohwell, maybe I should just take a nap and the blood of a bitch in me would diminish. Then maybe I can browse through some geog stuff later if I can wake up. I'm affirmative about my failure but I guess I still need to submit something to the examiners. ha. I'm so fucked.

7:21 PM

I wonder if you'll call tonight.

1:37 AM

Andrea and Cart are back!!

Chang, Joyce, Wanyi and I headed down to the airport to pick our two lovelies up. (: Cart arrived at Terminal 2 and Andrea arrived at Terminal 1. About the same time, but Cart was earlier. She looks more matured this time around. We rushed down to Terminal 1 soon after Cart arrived but the bluidy skytrain had to breakdown. So we cut through the carpark and walked all the way to Terminal 1 to pick Andrea up. And you know what, I swear Twits are becoming Pigs. :/ We were eating cheesesticks while briskwalking all the way there. Haha!

I was damn excited to see Andrea, really. The rest too. After all, it has been 4months since we last met. We were waiting impatiently (my heart could have just jumped out) together with her parents THEN I finally spotted Leona and Andrea coming down the stairs to collect their luggages. You cannot imagine my euphoria. When Andrea acknowledged our presence with a wave, tears just uncontrollably filled my eyes. Quite emotional I know, but I just couldn't help it. I missed her a lot. very very much. And I'm just so glad both Cart and her are back. (:

Today was really unproductive. I don't know why I just couldn't get down to studying. After 4 hours, I only covered 3 pages of my geog notes. HA. There's no way I'm passing geog, really. It's an affirmed F grade. Headed down Potblack to play pool in the end. :/

For the first time in my life, I bought a cup of Green Apple Juice for myself. Honestly, I've never really tasted it before. Except that day when I drank some of Jen's. And good ol Cheryl just burst out laughing at me. Thanks really. :/ She claims that I'm the only one she knows that would go to such radical extremes when it comes to issues like these. Well.. perhaps.

Tuition's at 830am tmr. I'm dead tired, depressed, and empty. And I don't feel like studying at all. Screw mids, seriously. :/

And I miss you, though you're so close.
It's not supposed to feel this way.

1:00 AM

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Went for Steamboat at Marina last night and I had TONS of fun, really. It was an MI gathering. Haha thanks to all those that went and contributed to all the nonsensical gibberish and hilarity. Chang, Wanyi, Winnie, Doreen, Mirza, Denny, Li Hui, Yang, Boon. Didn't eat much though, I was really deprived of sleep and Cheryl didn't cook much for me either. And Boon kept laughing at the dark rings around my eyes. Idiot. :/

Saw CJ people there too. Some of the hockey players, Sarah and co, and some graduates. And you know what? Denise was there too! Haha. So coincidental la. She arrived later though, and she was a little lost. So, after much deliberation and hoaxing from Cheryl, I went over and directed her to their table. Haha I can't believe I actually dared to do that, but yes I did it anyway. Haha (:

Went to play pool afterwhich. Mirza and I were the ultimate partners, really. We thrashed all our opponents. Every pair that challenged us lost! hehe! And we'll do our classic Gay Hi-five after winning every game. Haha I think all of them were rather amused/disgusted by it. Haha but it's really damn funny. Enjoyed myself thoroughly, and much more than I thought I would have especially when I was initially so tired before I headed down.

Great day, Great people, Great fun. (:

1:51 PM

Friday, June 24, 2005

Lit paper 3 and 5 are done!!

I am so happy! I don't know why, because I still screwed up my Brave New World essay quite badly when Gabriel actually wrote 6 sides and mine was just 2 and a half. :/ But nevermind, Blake was rather fine for me. I just hope I can pass. (: Now I have to mug for Geog, Econs, Chink. Last paper on Thurs which is Lit again. Sian ji bua. And I'm damn surprised at myself that I didn't fall asleep during my paper today. Fact being that I only slept at 530 this morning (but of course I dozed off in between). :/

And my silly love of my life actually waited for my msg till 4am in the morning. Or maybe she just couldn't sleep. I sent it at 3, but the system was super laggy. :/ Anyway, I'm sorry for making you stay up so late, dear. Hope you slept well nonetheless. Hearing your voice at 4am in the morning started my day really well, and somehow, motivated me to study even more. love. (: And I'm gonna get ready to go over to see you now! So bye! (:

11:19 AM

Thursday, June 23, 2005

I'm highly exhausted. Mentally drained, and physically too.

Just got home from Scotts Coffeebean. I stayed there from 130-930pm. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? And I did nothing else but study study study. And I have not completed studying. Shit damnit, I swear. I went there to study all by myself cause home just holds too many distractions for me. Dawn, Jen, Sasa and Zoe joined me at about 4 I think. They shopped a hell lot at the Mango Sale. My goodness. Haha Mango was seriously a madhouse. I went there to collect their bags and almost got asphyxiated due to the overwhelming carbon dioxide. :/ Chang joined us later after her GP paper. It sounded easier than CJ's. Suckers. I really abhor JC life. I wanna quit school. No joke.

Anyway, Thank you Cheryl, Dawn and Jen for staying to accompany me while I mugged like a freak at Coffeebean whereas you all had nothing else to do. I really appreciate it very much. (:

Before I end this entry, I have to blog about yesterday. It was just too... "unforgetably memorable" for me. Andrea just came back from KL so we all met up for dinner. Andrea, Bernie, Chang, Dawn, Jen and I. Headed down to Spinelli's to play 1,2,3 as well as heart-attack, and THE ultimate Indian Poker. SHIT i tell you. The forfeit was totally... -I'm lost for words-. In one night, I've commited so many feats that I thought I'd never do in my whole entire life. I kissed people I never thought I'd kissed. Especially on the lips. (fuck) The only person I didn't kiss was Andrea. Haha thank goodness, or else Bernie would have slaughtered me. For real. Haha. So yeah, I think you should roughly know who I never thought I'd kissed right now, but I actually did. My goodness. Somebody could have just shot me there and then and I'd honestly be much more comfortable. :/

And this week so far has been really awesome for me. Thank you Dawn, Jen, Bernie, Cheryl, Wanyi. The holidays wouldn't have been this good without you all. love. (:

10:26 PM

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Give me one more day, let me drown in your sweetness again says:
GOODBYE!
wanyi. says:
eh eh eh!
wanyi. says:
come back!
wanyi. says:
come back to me baby
wanyi. says:
come back. ooooooooh pls. come back to me baby
wanyi. says:
i mean. barbi
Give me one more day, let me drown in your sweetness again says:
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
wanyi. says:
you're back
wanyi. says:
i'm so happy i'm going to dance

This is Wanwan at 3am in the morning. HAHAHAHAHA!! Shit, she really cracks me up.

3:10 AM

Dad's discharged from the hospital. No, he's not exactly getting better. He's still in the same condition. Just that it was pointless keeping him in the hospital because the doctors are not able to do anything else for him but to provide him with painkillers which do not exactly have much effect on my dad either. So what the heck, he's back home. And according to mom, he has lost his "good man" in his brain because he injured his forehead. Apparently "good man" is a personification of one's graciousness, kindness, benevolence and all the positive traits of a person. Mom quoted that from the doctor. I'm quite befuddled but wth. So my dad's a real grouch right now. Mom even said that he's gonna be quite difficult to live with at this stage. Splendid. So he can just kick me outta the house, slam me to the gate, and punch my face again when he gets irritated with me. Yeah, I'm evil and unfilial. But seriously, get abused by him, and perhaps you'll feel the same way too. :/

Okay that aside, I just got back from Holland village. Went there to eat half-priced waffles at Gelare. Actually, only Wanyi and Chang ate. Haha. Went over to brekos to chill afterwhich where we played 1,2,3. It was the Twits vs The Veggie Clan. Haha. We really laughed until our tummies ached, and I think we disturbed all the other customers with our barbaric hollering. Hahaha. But it was good fun. Very good fun. (:

Before that, we actually studied at Scotts for 8 hours straight. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? haha neither can I. But before you actually believed I studied for that long, I had tuition and a lot of distractions along the way. Especially because the love of my life Jen was there. She just occupies everything my eyes can perceive whenever she's around. Distraction she is, but the best distraction ever. (: Haha and like accompanying Wanyi down to the food court to eat. Haha but I'm glad I did, it's good to catch up. (: Marianne was there too! She came rather late though. Was really happy to see her, and we caught up a bit on each other's lives too. Quite a number of CJ people were there today actually. Tricia came to join us for awhile before meeting Ivan. Stacey was there with her friends having tuition before us. Some J2s were outside studying as well.

Well, overall, my day was a good one. Thanks to Dawn, Jen, Bernie, Wanyi and Chang. (: The main reason of missing the holidays and dreading school, is because I wouldn't be able to meet Dawn, Jen and Bernie that often anymore. Chang feels likewise too. Ohwell. It's a few more days.. and everything's gone with the exams impending. That thought just got me down. Drats. :/

12:17 AM

Sunday, June 19, 2005

I am so proud of myself. I stayed up till 530am compiling lit notes for my exam this coming Friday. :D But whether I'll study them is definitely dubious. Haha ohwell.

Today's father's day yet I didn't get my dad anything. Went to visit him earlier today but he was resting. He's still in pain. I honestly wonder how long will it take for him to recover. :/ Went to meet Dawn and Jen afterwhich, together with Chang. Bernie was with us, till she disappeared.
I hope you're okay now, bernie. Everyone was rather worried about you. Please do take care.
So we hung around town, played bridge at Coffeebean! Haha Jen ah Jen.... tsktsk. Shall not humiliate you here la huh. But she seriously cracked all of us up. Haha. :b Went to Far East to meet my beloved Wanwan, and to get Dawn Jen's Daddy's present. They got him a funky teeshirt. Haha. Then headed down to Holland V to eat Cheryl's Wanton noodles before heading down to Sasa's granddad's wake.

It's such a relief to me that Sasa still seems rather bubbly and cheerful. Just hope she'll remain the same throughout. Almost everyone was staring at us when we arrived there. Quite pressurizing ya. We ended up playing a few rounds of Mahjong there too. Jen and I were a pair, Sasa, Dawn, and Chang played. I played one round and won!! Haha yes, thanks to my lucky star Jen. Haha.

Mom called after dinner to ask if I was going back to the hospital cause my dad was asking for me. He was waiting for me to return back to the hospital. Despite it being Father's Day, I still didn't. I felt really awful about it, but I still went ahead with my plans. Sigh. And when mom wanted to pass the phone to him, I instantaneously said "No, I dont wanna talk to him". It just came out. :/ It's just so.. weird and awkward. So wrong. I abhor this side of me, really. But I can't change. I don't know how to.. sigh.

Well, the day was rather short, but I enjoyed myself. Especially because I got to meet my dearest hunnie, and my precious love of my life. They really make me smile. (: And of course, Changity. Although I see her everyday. :/ Haha.

11:55 PM

Saturday, June 18, 2005

By the way you brought me here
It makes believe
the best is still yet to come
and I don't want to leave
Forgive my hesitation but I'm learning to trust in you
Help me to dream these dreams because I don't have a clue

If you'd be honest and say what you mean
you know I would promise I'd do anything
because I know that without you I'm giving it away

Is this what you wanted?
Cause I'm willing to change.
Now that I'm certain
there's much more to gain
You've introduced me to the moment
but I'm looking to stay for good
You asked me to stay forever
Well, you know that I would
I would do anything.

The nights are forever and maybe I'm wrong
but it feels like I'm so lost without you
So I step towards the heat, it's the way I can see
and it makes me believe that it's you.

And by the way you brought me here
it makes me believe the best is still yet to come
and I don't want to leave, I won't, but anyway..

If you'd be honest and say what you mean
you know I would promise I'd do anything
because I know that without you I'm giving it away
The nights are forever
I can't get to sleep cause I know there's a reason
I'm in this too deep and I'm sure that without you, I'm giving it away.

7:56 PM

When I close my eyes to this paradox place
I'll fly away far away from here
I'll get away and dream
dream of you
when its all said and done
and the night has come

I'll disappear
take flight on the wind of wishing you were here
fading light like a star whose life has been gone for years

and I'll fly
fly across the sky
and I'll leave
leave it all behind
if you'd be here
here with me tonight
I'll be fine
I'll be fine
I'll be fine

7:42 PM

Oh my mama.

I feel as if someone has just inflated me into a balloon. Currently at Rach's place with Wanwan, Changity and Maatheww. Joyce is coming over later I think! We whipped up Spaghetti, Cheesed Mushrooms, Cream of Chicken Soup, and Potato Salad for dinner! Actually, I didn't do anything. I am the princess for tonight! (: Spaghetti and Cheesed Mushrooms were specially done by Rach, and Potato Salad was whipped up by Wanwan and Changity. Dinner was damn good and filling. Too filling. Rachel also made Oreo Mousse. Heavenly. Also, this is my 2nd time washing the dishes. First was for my love of my life, now its for the Twits. Wonder when's its gonna be for family... hmm never la. Haha. Pictures would be up as soon as Wanwan uploads her pictures. Gonna play mahjong after this! I just love twits gatherings. Can't wait for Andrea and Cart to be back to complete our group. (:

If only Emily could come back as well..

7:23 PM

Wanyi's back!!!!!

You have no idea how much I've missed that silly woman. Especially when we finally went out today, I realised how much I've really missed her silly presence and nonsensical jokes. And oh my, I cannot believe that Wanyi has matured into someone so beautiful now. Or maybe she went for some plastic surgery over at China before she returned. Haha kidding! But yes, everyone thinks Wanyi's really gorgeous now. Even prettier than before. And you know what?! SHE's my good friend, all you jeaous people. Hahaha. =x

Tricia came down to the hospital to accompany me today. Thanks girl. Dad's still in pain as usual. His blood clot has diminished slightly, but apparently he hurt his forehead as well, thus the merciless agony. His entire skull is injured. Back, Top, Front. :/ So Cheryl, Wanyi and I caught up over dinner. Tricia left to celebrate her sister's birthday. Played pool at Mambo before heading down to Holland V to chill. It's like our new hangout. hurhur.

I got harked back to my dream or so when I witnessed my two childish friends whacking each other then apologising at Brekos. Cheryl noticed that I became unusually quiet. Thank goodness we stay so near each other, really. We had a good talk on the way back, while I went a little berserk. Especially when the both of us started reminiscing. Sigh. She was too good and sweet to be true, the ideal one for me who adheres to my every need, but I failed to treasure it while it lasted. It was like an ephemeral fantasy.

I miss you. :/

12:08 AM

Friday, June 17, 2005

Just one question.

Do you like me?

2:59 AM

You entered: Isabelle Tan Li Ping

There are 17 letters in your name.
Those 17 letters total to 77
There are 7 vowels and 10 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 5

The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.

The expression or destiny for #5:
The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.

If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.

Your Soul Urge number is: 6

A Soul Urge number of 6 means:
With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.

The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.

If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.

Your Inner Dream number is: 11

An Inner Dream number of 11 means:
You dream of casting the light of illumination; of being the true idealist. You secretly believe there is more to life than we can know or prove, and you would like to be provider of the 'word' from on high.

2:15 AM

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Mom just left for the hospital to accompany dad. He transffered to Mount E because the doctors at NUH sucks. Apparently, his condition ain't exactly improving, and he's seriously in agonizing pain. If i'm not wrong, he's been rather grouchy and unstable in terms of his emotional being. Mom's been putting up alot from what I hear right now. Sister's giving my brother a pep talk or something like that. -shrugs. Yes, I don't know much about my father's condition. Didn't even go down to visit him today. Granny's really pissed at me for that fact. But ahh, what the hell do you expect me to do there anyway? He doesn't talk to me, nor do I talk to him. :/ But I'll still go down to visit him tomorrow, then head town to meet the twits. Ohwell.

Was at Holland Village today. Was supposed to meet Rachel to have coffee, but we bumped into Daph and Denise there. So we all went for coffee together. Matt came to join us after work, Miss Low and Daph's friend Jael (if that's how you spell it) too. Really had fun just talking to daph and denise. They really crack me up. It's pretty enjoyable to be hanging out with them once in a while. Rach and Matt didn't stay for long. They left after dinner. So did Miss Low. Went to TCC to chill and have some drinks where Tricia and Jolene joined us too. It's like a massive gathering from all over. Haha. Elin came down to join us too. But Daph and her friend left when she arrived. Well, we just had bitching sessions and really open-minded conversations. HAHA. But it was quite fun la. Had a good laugh. Denise was really shooting her mouth off and everything. Uncontrollable really. Haha. All the polka dotties. (:

Cheryl says I've been thinking alot lately, and that I've not been as cheerful as I was last time. Why? I myself have not much of a clue. I guess I just need liberation from everything. I really had enough of giving everything and not receiving a shit in return. Or rather, receiving tons of superfluous shit. Fuck you all for making me feel so agonizingly miserable. And that's that for now. I just need to bitch it off my chest. :/

11:27 PM

You were born on a Friday
under the astrological sign Virgo.
Your Life path number is 6.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2447420.5.
The golden number for 1988 is 13.
The epact number for 1988 is 11.
The year 1988 was a leap year.
As of 6/16/2005 1:02:22 PM CDT
You are 16 years old.Y
ou are 201 months old.
You are 874 weeks old.
You are 6,117 days old.
You are 146,821 hours old.
You are 8,809,262 minutes old.
You are 528,555,742 seconds old.
There are 92 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 17 candles on it.
Those 17 candles produce 17 BTU's,
or 4,284 calories of heat (that's only 4.2840 food Calories!) .
You can boil 1.94 US ounces of water with that many candles.
Your birthstone is Sapphire
Your birth tree is Lime Tree, the Doubt

Accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress and labour, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous, loyal.

The moon's phase on the day you were born was waxing crescent.

1:02 PM

Spent the evening out with Rachel, Chang, Tricia. Bernie and Keith joined us later on. Met Dawn, Jen and Jeannine in town for a short while at Spinelli's. Afterwhich we headed off seperate ways. Well, although we did the usual stuff, I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with Rachel. Miss that girl quite a lot. And okay rach, I'll brew you herbal tea and massage your cheeks for you. Just don't complain about the standard of it ah. It'll be made with TONS OF MY LOVE. Hahaha.

I think I'm pissing my family off because I do not really make the effort to visit my dad whole-heartedly. I only spent an hour in the hospital today and headed off to town for dinner with the rest. And while I was there, I was talking to Rachel. But it's not as if I'd talk to my dad even if no one was there with me anyway. It's just plain weird. I just hope he recovers soon. He really seems to be in agony, and my presence (or rather no presence) doesnt make it a slightest bit better.

I've been rather quiet the whole day. I don't really know why myself. And I just wanna step out of everybody's life as of this current moment. Take a break, quit school, go on a long holiday. (Yeah right) If only life was that good. I should stop moping and do something conducive and worthwhile for once. :/

12:08 AM

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I've been stuck in many situations for the past week. So many things running through my mind yet I can't vociferate them out. The people who used to be my confidantes aren't there anymore. Everyone's busy with their own lives. And right now, my life is rather messed up. But my smile still carries on. Afterall, there are others in need too.

My dad's gonna be living in the hospital till next week I suppose. Honestly, I know nuts about his condition. Even worse, I feel obligated to visit him. Not because I want to. Albeit having gone through emotions that divulged that I love him, I'm back to my unfeeling self regarding issues of him. Unfilial I irrefutably am.

Tricia's back in my life again. Have seen her 6days in a row, and she has stayed over twice. Cheryl's right. She is indeed someone who can really make me smile through my troubles, forget them temporarily. Thank you for that. (: Last night was.. heartbreaking. At least for me. If I had known better, I would never have allowed myself to let you go this easily. But I thought that would make you happier. Apparently I thought wrong. It pained me a lot to see you go through this superfluous phase, shedding redundant tears. You deserved to be loved so much better, even if its not by me. I just wish that after it all, you'lll find the happiness you truly deserve. I'll always be here along the way.

Recently, I've plunged into a perplexing whirl of thoughts. A dream perhaps. A rather beautiful yet unconclusive one. I never really knew where I stood, who I was to her, what we were doing. And somehow, as sudden as it happened, it sorta relinquished into nothingness. or perhaps, back at the very beginning. With no words being spoken, nothing being brought up, just.. like that. Maybe I've perceived it wrongly, maybe the scenario is supposed to be taken lightly. Whatever it is, though it was ephemeral, I revelled in it while it lasted. The only thing I have to learn how to curb now is the aftertaste. Your beguiling aftertaste.

4:06 PM

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Please pray for my dad.

I don't know what else to do. I just came back from NUH where I saw him lying in the Neurological High Dependency Unit. This is the first time I've ever heard of this unit, and I have to be educated about it through its morbidity. His head was bandaged, and the back of it was still bleeding. His neck was in a cast, and he couldn't move nor could he hardly speak at all. He has bruises on his back, his legs, everywhere. And despite how much I abhorred him before, it stung me real hard to see him just lying there, unable to move, speak, communicate, or barely open his eyes.

It just harked me back to the time when I received news that Mrs Lee has fainted. I disregarded the severity of it all. I belittled the situation. It was exactly the same this time. Albeit my mom called and asked me to go home earlier, I still stayed out all the same. It was only until my brother called and told me that my dad cracked his skull. Somehow, uncontrollably, tears welled up in my eyes. Other than that, I didn't know how to react.
Thanks to Tricia and Cheryl who accompanied me down to NUH. Really, I think I would probably have broken down if not for the both of you cause I wouldn't have anyone to put up a front for. ha.

Apparently, my dad fell off the buggy while at the golf course today. His friend probably swerved too fast while driving that wretched shit. He cracked the top of his skull as well as the back of it. There's a 4cm long cut at the back of his head, and his neck is stiff and probably injured as well. Doctor said he's really damn fortunate that the fracture didn't hit the main nerve despite the severity of it. He hasn't gone through any operation yet (ridiculously) because the doctors said that they can't do much right now. He has to get through the next 24 hours or the situation's gonna get real serious. So I beg of all those who reads this to pray for him. I'll really appreciate it very very much.

11:30 PM

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

When obscurity starts looming in
With livid clouds blanketing your light
As though your bed of roses has withered
Leaving unadorned desolation in sight

My hand will hold yours
I'll inundate your life with mirth
When the milieu is shrouded with rain
I'll shelter you with unconditional love

When vulnerability and insignificance creeps in
Satiating your enamoring eyes with tears
In my arms, I'll hold you close
I'll be your rainbow when they disappear

For as long as every breath counts
I'll always remain by your side
There's no feat I will not overcome for you
Because I love you, my love of my life.

3:23 AM

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Just hung up the phone with Tricia. Strange, but good. It's a strange kinda good. (: Haven't heard her voice over the phone nor have we had a proper conversation in eons. And now that we did, we talked for 2hours straight, non-stop. And the whole time, I was laughing. She's still as whiny and bimbotic as ever. Haha. Well, albeit her msg came to me this afternoon as quite a huge shock (I literally jumped outta Jen's bed), but at least it kinda brought us back to where we were before. Just that this time around, we're just friends. Despite having gone through one of the roughest times with/because of her, I'm just glad we're just able to think back and talk about it, laugh it off. We've weaved unforgettable memories for each other afterall. (: Gonna meet her on Saturday, and I'm sure it'll be helluva fun. Bernie and Chang keeps thinking that I'll fall for her all over again. :/ Miss going out with that girl, really. She was great fun to be with, and I'm pretty certain she still is. Can't wait till Sat. (:

10:32 PM

Wanyi's birthday photos uploaded!
In courtesy of Joyce. (:

For more, check out Rach's blog.

12:48 AM

Monday, June 06, 2005

There are so many things I wish to say.
But there's no one for me to turn to.
Sigh.

And should I go to Vietnam despite the Mids?
It's affirmative that I'm gonna flunk them anyway.
Next week, and I'll be gone.

Wanwan's leaving tmr.
I'm gonna miss her quite a lot. :/

11:33 PM

Today, this song kept replaying in my head..

You're there by my side
In every way
I know you will not forsake me
I give you my life
I would not think twice
Your love is all I need, believe me.

I may not say it quite as much as I do
But when I say, I love you
Darling, that means for good
So open up your heart, and let me in

And I will love you, until forever
Until death do us part, we'll be together
Take my hand, hold on tight
We'll get there
This I swear

I'm wondering how, I ever get by
Without you in my life to guide me
Wherever I go, one thing that's true
Is everything I do, I do it for you

I may not say it half as much as I should
But when I say, I love you
Darling, that means for good
So open up your heart and let me in

And I will love you, until forever
Until death do us part, we'll be together
So take my hand, hold on tight
We'll get there
This I swear

So whenever you get weary
Just reach out for me
I'll never let you down, my love

2:01 AM

My day ended off on a really good note today. Especially because I got to spend time with my love of my life! Haha. And I really enjoyed everyone's company. Andrea, Bernie, Chang, Dawn, and Jen. These few people really do make my day. Yes, Chang and I patched things up already. And I'm really glad we did. (:

Well, the day didnt start off good due to my nightmare which caused me to wake up in tears. And my mom had to aggravate it further by pissing the shit outta me cause she refuses to give me my allowance. She didn't even give me my allowance for last month. So what am I supposed to survive on? Air? Ugh. But things got better after I met Wanyi and Chang at Scotts to study a little. I'm seriously too slack. I'm gonna bring a coffin into the exam hall when school reopens.

Went down to NP along with Cheryl to pick Dawn Jen up, then cabbed down to Bernie's place to have a steamboat feast! Those two girls actually starved themselves for 30 whole hours. Nutcases, really. The camp was pure torture la, and they paid 20bucks for it. :/ The steamboat was really filling, and Bernie has an awesome abode. I love her big screen tv and her huge comfy bed in her room. Bernie, I'm so sleeping over!! Hahaha. For the first time in my whole life, I was actually the one cooking and serving. Haha hopefully the food wasnt raw or anything. Heh. We went to the playground to stroll before having desert (omg, damn good). And we had tonsa fun playing, bitching and everything else. (: Desert was home-made brownies with a scoop of chocolate chip cookie on top. Wow-wee I tell you. Haha. And we just lazed around in bed and watched television.

Poor Jen was really sick, sneezing and everything. Silly girl didn't take good care of herself while at camp. Forced her to take flu panadols and I hope it'll be effective, somehow. Get ample rest, okay my dear? Hope you'll feel better by tomorrow. And dear, YOU made my day. Can't wait to see you again. (:

1:06 AM

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Wanyi's early surprise birthday party on fri was a total success. Belle's a good birthday planner!! Haha just kidding. It was everybody's credit. and I bet Wanwan loves every single one of us to bits bits and more bits. :) If you wanna see how stunned she was, the pics are up on Rach's blog. More to come when Joyce uploads her pictures! (her camera is still with me tho)

So, everybody came over to my place at roughly 12plus. Cheryl, Doreen, Henry, Joyce, Rachel, Nat. Sem and Matt came later. The vegetable clan (Bernie, Dawn, Jen) came over at abt 2plus with the cake and the necessities for the decorations. Sasa came to help out with the decorations too. But left even before the birthday girl arrived. I think a rough estimate of 50 balloons were blown up but still failed to cover my entire room. :/ So Mama hen Rachel decided to stuff them all in the toilet. Imagine the difficulty of peeing. We made streamers, a board with all her birthday msges, pasted up a whole bunch of ugly men (possibly geographers since they were taken from National Geographic Magazine), and I wrote a poem for her! And with everyone's effort, we penned in down in our horrendous handwriting. Haha.
I think the best part was the wrapping of her presents -- Birkenstock and the cardigan which we tried so hard to steer her away from Far East in case she purchases it. Haha. So. We placed the cardigan in the birkenstock box, and Henry meticulously wrapped it up. Joyce did a really FANTASTIC job on making a home-made paper bag which has Wanyi's name written all over it. It's REALLY REALLY awesome and I'm extremely envious. (JOYCE!! HINT HINT) Haha. We placed one birk in that paper bag, and the other in the kind of plastic bag you'd receive at the market. Haha! That looked rather... well, horrid. Haha. So we hid the cardigan in the toilet filled with balloons, and the nice paper bag in my sis's sedan chair outside my room. Her O level art piece. Everyone was so amazed by it. Haha. And what did we give Wanyi personally??? Of course the ugly market plastic bag. Haha!

Wanyi took a really long time to come over though. All of us were bored stiff at my place. So we kept calling her, but nooo. that woman was too busy playing pool. Irritating. Haha. So I pretended that I was really worried about her, that she got raped or something (hurhur) and scolded her when I managed to get hold of her. Forcing her to come down ASAP. but she still took her time anyway. (Big shot la) Haha. She didn't suspect a shit at all, and she was so stunned she cried when we burst the balloons of confetti in front of her face and all that surprise nonsense. Haha. (:

Korean bbq after that. Andrea joined us after Sailing. And everyone ate till their tummies were bulging. Mama hen and Wanwan cooked for all of us. Thank you, dearies! Sem helped me wiped my hands clean!! haha. I felt like a princess then. Heehee. Sean joined us after we came back from the playground. He was really amused by Bernie, like Sem was amused with Andrea at the dinner table. Haha. They're really the funniest couple I've ever met. Haha. After the cake was cut, Doreen, Henry and Joyce left. Rach and Matt too. So the rest of us went up to my room to play Indian Poker! Wahaha, the hilarity of it all.

The night ended at 1130 when everybody left. Sem stayed over!! I'm really glad she did. Got to catch up and everything else. Missed her so much. Stupid Sean la. Haha kidding kidding. I dozed off while listening to her Ipod though. Heh. Well, that's about it I guess. Was a rather good day spent.

Thanks to all who made everything possible. (:
Andrea, Bernie, Cheryl, Dawn, Doreen, Henry, Jen, Joyce, Matt, Rachel, Sasa, Sean, Sem.
And of course, my parents.

1:25 AM

Friday, June 03, 2005

You broke your promise right in front of my face. The promise you made 2 years ago when you wanted to salvage our friendship. I forgave, but erasing what has been gravely etched is not exactly facile. In fact, thinking back on it still did hurt sometimes. I find it rather implausible that you could have made history repeat itself with such ease and so patently. Especially because this predicament is analogous to what happened back then, although not entirely similar. Or at least, it just evinced the same repugnance and chagrin. Plus, it's not as if you were nescient of how much it would have affected me. You knew. There was nothing I kept from you. But you still did it anyway. You have absolutely no idea how piqued I was, due to the inflammation of the wound you scarred me with. You revived the dormant wretchedness of it all, the forgotten antagonism. I drowned myself in cursed liquids so that I wouldnt regard much of that scene I witnessed. I didn't know what else to do.

This friendship meant a lot to me, really. You were the closest friend I ever had. Yet twice you had to hurt me in this same way, even though you were knowledgeable of how you once shattered our friendship because of mistakes of that ilk. Honestly, I don't want to let go of this friendship either. Like they say, we seem to come in pairs. But I just don't know how to reel this line of friendship back to me. I know I've been shutting you off almost completely, disallowing any form of conversation. But understand this, I honestly do not know how to face either of you. And at this point of time, all I wanna do, is to step out of your lives despite how much you both mean to me.

12:50 AM

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Monday

Studied at Scotts Coffeebean with Twits. Sis and Yanyu were at the other table, and Wanjun and Stacey at another. Went for Kyna's birthday dinner afterwhich, with Chang at some Japanese Restaurant. Dawn and I left halfway to get Kyna's cake and went back to the hotel to prepare her surprise. Bought Mango Cake (instead of the extremely cute and yummilicious Cheese Cake) and a Sara Lee Pound Cake. It was quite a success but Kyna was quite disappointed when she saw that we only got her a Sara Lee Pound Cake for her birthday. Haha. But of course, her disappointment was soon evaporated after I emerged out of the toilet with her mango cake and Bernie gave Kyna her puma bag. Haha, her expression really changed quite a bit. Bernie and Zoe just couldn't stop singing Happy Birthday to Kyna too. Haha. Jen wasn't feeling well though. I had to force her to take the panadols I got for her. Silly girl. Walked around town a little after Zoe left. Drank 2 bottles of alcohol outside Far East and walked back. See what I mean by walking a little? Haha. Went back to the hotel and played Bom Beep Beep and Kyna kept losing. haha. She was going absolutely crazy. Bernie and Andrea went to bed first cause Andrea had to attend sailing training the next day. Kyna, Dawn and Jen were just talking and talking and talking the whole night away while I just lay beside Jen and somehow fell asleep. Haha but I had tremendous fun, really. Thanks for the invite, Kyna. Hope you enjoyed your sweet 16th. (:

Tuesday

After checking out of the hotel, Dawn, Bernie and Jen came over to my place to drop off their stuff. Chang and Wanyi came after that to have dinner too. Headed to town afterwhich where Sasa and Kyna joined us. Went to wish Yanyu happy birthday (an overly early one) and then we were left with zilch to do. So we just ended up at Cine's food court and yakked away. Merser and Xinying came to meet me outside Cine afterwhich. Missed them quite a hell lot, haven't really gone out with them for quite some time alr. So we headed down to Cocolatte and chilled out till the dancefloor was open. Boon and Christine came to join us, so did AJ and her manager. It was a major gathering. Didn't manage to dance much though. It was firstly due to an unforeseen misfortune to my eyes but ahh what the heck. but while I did, I had fun. I wanna go again so that I can dance more this time around. :(

So all the way till 3am, I took care of my dearest drunk Dawn who was lying on my lap, thus giving me allowance to only drinking. And so I did. Gulped down the 2 jugs AJ bought (sorry!) and helped the other table clear their shots which were replenished twice (without permission). So I was pretty much a gone case myself at the end of the night. We were the last 2 people left at the club so I had to help dawn down the stairs and everything else, where I handed her over to Cheryl cause I really couldnt stabilize myself any further. Jen came over and took care of me. And we all cabbed down to my place. Dawn, Jen, Kyna, Bernie, Andrea, Jeannine stayed over. They had to help Dawn change because that dear girl was seriously too drunk to move. I was no better anyway. I collapsed right outside my room when I was about to send Cheryl to the door cause she had to go home. Very painful. Shucks.

And I wanna say Thanks to the love of my life who took really good care of me while I was such a goner. Honestly, I've never received such meticulous treatment in my whole entire life, and I'm really touched. (: Although I got scolded numerous times because I insisted on taking out more blankets for the rest of them despite not being able to balance myself. ha. But nonetheless, Thank you dear. For being there and taking such good care of me, helping me up when I fell, scolding the rest cause they were too noisy, and tucking me into bed till I slept. I don't know how I ever let you drift away from me before, especially when you're this precious. I love you, dear. Thank you again, for everything you've done, for just being so sweet as you are. (:

1:44 AM